Grief Apart From Death
Written by: Liz Cerven
6/15/24
As I have progressed in my work as a therapist, I have become more and more aware of how grief shows up in our lives beyond that of death. Grief — deep sorrow — is often coupled with the loss of someone. Within my educational background, I learned of grief and complicated grief — or prolonged, persistent, complex grief. Again, this is usually discussed and taught with the understanding of loss related to death.
We are all vulnerable to loss. Loss can occur to us directly by losing a job, relationship, support system, or ability (i.e., loss of a limb or mobility, hearing, or vision). Sometimes, these losses occur abruptly, and others occur slowly over time. When loss is experienced outside of death, grieving isn’t always considered. Before writing this, I went through books and articles and explored what I could through Google to read about grief beyond death. So much of what is available is directly related to death, and while that is beneficial, it is limiting.
So much of my work focuses on relationships. I often discuss my relationships with my people and look at their relationships with others. None of these relationships are permanent. Grieving a breakup or a change in the relationship dynamic (romantic partner to friendship) or person is a valid response to how the relationship is altered. By not acknowledging or processing the grief, you may move into another relationship, bringing feelings you have yet to deal with, which could impact that new relationship. You may also bring those feelings and thoughts into your current relationships.
I recall the way grief showed up for someone I worked with years ago. Learning about their partner’s drug use and job loss drastically impacted their relationship. They went from a trusting relationship to one of sorrow and hopelessness. The person I worked with was grieving the loss of their partner who was still alive but no longer the person they knew. The relationship no longer looked or felt like the one they agreed upon. They needed to grieve the future they thought they would have together to accept their present. Accepting their present did not mean staying in what became an unhealthy relationship. Still, acceptance allowed this person to recognize all that was lost (the partner they once had) and what they gained (distrust and insecurity) through those changes.
Folks within the LGBTQIA+ community are no strangers to grief. They grieve support systems and family, the ease of heteronormativity, futures they thought they might have had, safety and security, identity, freedom, and more. While these losses are different from person to person, the queer community is aware of the loss that comes from being yourself. Grieving those losses opens up space for celebrating self and connecting with others.
Similar to grieving the loss of a loved one, grief occurs to acknowledge what is no longer there so we can begin to make sense of what is. Loss can shake up our worlds so much that we may not be able to see what is left and how to move forward. Grief can feel like a boulder — large, immobile, and obstructive. Acceptance is acknowledging and processing the boulder's presence while growing your garden around it. Use your boulder as a place of respite now and then to see the beauty that’s grown all around you.